I went to Abuja strip club with a gathering of companions a weekend ago. It was never part of my agenda despite the fact that I am open to spontaneous outings and a strip club was the last place.

I expected to find myself but there I was, with a group of Igbo guys who wouldn’t even communicate in English. They even had an Igbo name for the word Google.

I didn’t like that the club was far away from my hotel. At some point I was afraid of where we were going and it bothered me that people would go that far just to see Unclad girls.

Twenty minutes past 1am, we were walking into this club at Katengwe Extension. The entire place was crowded, there wasn’t even a place to sit comfortably.

A Unclad stripper had to get up from where she sat for me. I sat at the edge just incase ‘something’ had poured on the leather couch.

The guys said they want me to have the complete Abuja experience. They wouldn’t return me to my hotel until I get a lap dance. I told them I don’t want anyone on my laps. I haven’t eaten since morning and I didn’t have the strength to carry anyone.

They said they will find a stripper of my size. Soon enough, a small stripper came towards me. She said, “We are the same spec. Don’t worry, I won’t stress you.”

Then she took off her bra and started twerking on my face. I was scrolling through my Twitter timeline on my phone while she worked. What’s my business? When she is tired she’d leave, I thought. She paused and whispered, “Please drop your phone na. Abeg abeg.”

I sat on my phone. She grabbed my hands and place them on her boobs then resumed the twerking on my laps this time. This time I started thinking of random things to pass time – the 2017 national budget, why men have nipples, the point bald men start from when they are washing their face, the position Toke Makinwa sleeps with those 24 inches weaves since she doesn’t wear hairnets…

Eventually she let me be. I heaved a sigh of relief but one of the guys said I gave the girl a hard time and it doesn’t count. I’d have to get another lap dance. Before I could protest, this 75kg girl sat on my laps.

“DON’T YOU HAVE CONSCIENCE?” I screamed. “I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU PEOPLE I HAVEN’T EATEN!” She said they have already paid her and she will make it quick if I cooperate.

I asked what she needed me to do and she said I should spank her while she twerked. I started beating this girl. I beat this girl like I was her mother and I was disappointed this is what she has chosen to do with her life. She said, “Not like that na!” Then she got up angrily.

One of my friends said I am embarrassing them. I told him I am missing my bed @sheraton_abuja and I feel terrible spending a Sunday morning here. What if the trumpet sounds?

He said I should get one last lap dance. I said NO, or I will pinch the ‘kini’ of any girl that attempts to give me a lapdance. That was when they agreed to return me to my hotel.

I continued asking God for pardoning amid the ride home. When I got to my room, I removed all my apparel and absorb it the wash bowl. No more strip clubs abeg.


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